This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call