*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
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[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Happens to everyone.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
This meal prepping shit easy
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.