*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
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When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
notice
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.