Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Baller is short for ballerina
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’m not proud
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it