Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
You Might Also Like
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy