Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
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i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email