The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
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[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.