I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
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Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…