[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.