Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
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*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.