All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
So true for me
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”