66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
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1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.