People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
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Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
my favorite genre of twitter
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
no!! no!!!!!!
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit