everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I occasionally drink every single night.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
The news in a nutshell.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow