my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
oppen heimer style lol
He’s dead
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen