ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Writing, She Murdered.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Weighing up my bread heating options
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic