Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
I love the National Park Service.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.