The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
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“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
#gardening
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.