Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
May have had one breakfast too many
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Mornin
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of