When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.