After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
This was a bad idea all around
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…