[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica