describing stardew valley
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PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Mouse
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.