Dear Lord..
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!