BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?