[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
this is how life feels
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]