Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
#parenting
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*