College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED