well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
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This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.