her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.