Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
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The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
j o i m p
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Seems a bit forward
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.