Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn鈥檛 keep their room clean.
6: 馃槼
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It鈥檚 better than the truth!
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn鈥檛 kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
2023 was just a warmup
Every so often I鈥檒l tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[dinner]
HER: don鈥檛 embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he鈥檚 my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You鈥檒l see it when you鈥檙e pooping
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here鈥檚 everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT鈥橲 WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted