I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
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me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels