Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
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Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I would like even faster food.