Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening