Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Good news
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair