[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
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I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.