(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*