Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
This made me chuckle.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)