The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
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12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.