Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: