WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
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I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
She was REALLY feeling it.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok