i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“Wait, let me explain..”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.