Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
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me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Born to be mild.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.