“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]