“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You Might Also Like
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Who chose this font
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.