Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Barbie gone wild
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket