Very problematic
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ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.