Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.