ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball